For anyone who doesn’t know, you should be warned that I’m a strong believer in potential. I have a tendency to optimistic. However, I also have a tendency to be quite cynical. Plus, I have a tendency to curse a lot, especially when I write and especially at... 2:25am... drinking a double bourbon in my hotel room in Vegas.
But I digress... After all, this composition is not about potential, optimism or the future. It’s about the past. Reflecting on this past year in the tradition of so many narrow-minded publications before me. Boiling the entire 365 day cycle into a Top Ten List. One preferably aimed for your target demographic. The Top 10 Celebrity Scandals, The 10 Most Intriguing Book Covers, or if you’re Time magazine, the “Ten Most Tragic Things of the Worst Decade Ever”. I don’t quite have Times’ gusto to go for the whole decade. But, as previously mentioned, my optimism is often matched by my cynicism. Hence, my list:
THE TOP TEN #1 MOVIES OF 2009
The problem is that when a terrible movie opens at #1 the studio behind it thinks it was a good idea and therefore they should make more movies like it. Left to their own devices, they make sequels and spin-offs that become exponentially more mind-boggling terrible until all I can do is wonder about the wisdom of my chosen career path (I have a chart at home. Come by sometime, I’ll show you). So, these are the Top Ten movies that were #1 in the box office for at least one weekend that I did not see and in no way, shape or form have I contributed money to their gross profit margins. To be fair, not all of these movies are bad. Some are (supposed to be) quite good... but they still don't have my money.
Ready? Too bad. I’m starting.
10. X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE (MAY 1-3)
I grew up a comic book lover, and the X-Men were among one of my favorites. I saw the 1st X-Men movie and I loved it (granted, I was 17). The 2nd X-Men movie came out and I liked that one even more. C’mon, it had fucking Nightcrawler and he was awesome! If you don’t follow that logic just skip to #9. But X-Men 3 was one of the worst let downs of comic-book movie history. Almost more than Daredevil... almost. It had Angel and Phoenix and tons of other fantastic characters that were completely wasted. Then, a few years later, I see a trailer where Wolverine takes down a helicopter with his claws and I wash my hands of the entire fucking franchise. I’m done. I don’t mind if a film takes privileges with the source material, as a (struggling, but well-educated) filmmaker I understand the compromises one must make in adapting a screenplay. But one should strive to change things for the benefit of the film. Now, I should note that the reason this movie is only at #10 is because I was tempted to go see it for more altruistic reasons. Just a handful of weeks prior to release, a high quality version of the film was pirated and released on the internet and the 20th Century Fox was out for blood over the terrible evil of film piracy. Being a strong supporter of film piracy I was tempted to buy a ticket just to prove a point. That point being that film piracy does not negatively affect box office results. Luckily, I didn’t have to. The American movie-going audience proved my point for me.
9. THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON (NOV 20-22 & 27-29)
Obviously, I’m not going to see this movie. But, it had to go on the list so here it is. I have heard from many sources that the only thing worse than these movies are the books. I might go see the last one just so I can witness the human girl’s fetal vampire baby kick through her stomach, thus forcing the vampire father to give her a c-section with his vampire teeth. I didn’t make that up. That’s how it really ends.
8. Any movie associated with Tyler Perry. Including:
MADEA GOES TO JAIL (FEB 27-MAR 1 & FEB 20-22) and
I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF (SEP 11-13)
I just don’t get it. I’m sorry. I can’t stand his movies and I don’t understand why he’s held up by so many organizations as this pioneer in African-American cinema. The man has an NAACP award for getting in a big latex woman outfit and capitalizing on mindless black stereotypes. Where’s Martin Lawrence’s NAACP Award? If that’s the criteria Martin should have gotten one long before BIG MOMMA’S HOUSE. One should note that I also have no desire to see PRECIOUS (“presented” by Tyler Perry AND Oprah Winfrey... I wouldn’t pay to see that combo if there were keys to a new SUV taped under my seat). I cringed during both of his scenes in the new STAR TREK (which I saw a pirated version of and it was still #1 in the Box Office MAY 8-10). But overall, STAR TREK was pretty damn enjoyable). Tyler Perry can’t act, he can’t write, and he sure isn’t funny but he’s a buku millionaire. No thanks to me... And I’m quite proud of that.
7. G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA (AUG 7-9)
Fuck Matel. I’m not sure which toys I had more of as a child, G.I. Joe or Transformers... However I did rent TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN on Netflix, who I technically pay money to every month to rent DVDs, and they probably gave Transformers 2 some sort of click or point by my renting it... So, I couldn’t put Transformers on the list (#1 for JUNE 26-28 & JULY 3-5). But this movie looked even worse. Next, they’re going to make a “re-imagining” of He-Man starring Jaime Kennedy and he’s going to get “Oscar Buzz” because he went to the gym for a week. In addition to that, I’m somewhat offended that the things I loved as a child (i.e. Transformers, G.I. Joe, Alvin and the Chipmunks) are re-made so shabbily for kids today. No wonder they all watch Pokémon (that’s still cool, right? Pokémon?).
6. G-FORCE (JUL 24-26)
I know what you’re thinking, “Really, Mike? It’s just a kid’s movie... Why don’t you back off.” You know what else was a kid’s movie? THE NEVERENDING STORY, and it was awesome. So was THE SANDLOT and ALADDIN and countless other kids’ movies. If my kid ever asks me to bring him to a movie about secret agent CGI gerbils I’m going to make him watch An Office and a Gentlemen. Which I have never seen, but I know it’s about Richard Gere and he’s got nowhere else to go. Another #1 kid’s movie this year was NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN (MAY 22-24). I had no desire to see this movie either, but I appreciated that the kids who did see it were suddenly interested in going to museums. The Smithsonian even had a rise in attendance afterwards. And all those children cried themselves to sleep when the dinosaurs didn’t really talk. Plus NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2 stole the #1 spot away from TERMINATOR: SALVATION which was the most delicious surge of schadenfreude I’d felt in a long time.
5. THE BLIND SIDE (DEC 4-6)
Now don’t get me wrong, I love Sandra Bullock as much as the next heterosexual male or homosexual female. Plus, I have a tremendous amount of respect for her on a professional level. Did you know she’s a producer on all those lame romantic comedies she stars in? Well she is, and she’s made a damn fine living out of it. And yes, I understand she’s not changing his life... he’s changing hers... but that movie looked terrible the first time I saw a trailer for it and no amount of “Oscar Buzz” is going to change my mind. You know what other crappy movie won lots of Oscars? ...Well yes that one... and that one too... But I was thinking of Crash. Which also co-starred Sandra Bullock and was eventually turned into a TV Show starring Dennis Hopper, who was the bad guy in Speed. Which co-starred Sandra... Dios Mio... It’s some sort of Sandra Bullock conspiracy! Looks like I’m going to have to steal the Declaration of Independence to crack this case.
4. BRUNO (JUL 10-12)
Honestly, I really wanted to see this movie. I think Sacha Baron Coen is hilarious and I loved Borat. At first it was that I just never got around to seeing it... Then, I began hearing luke-warm reviews and mixed reactions, but still wanted to check it out. Then my girlfriend made an excellent point about Bruno which I had never really considered. Part of what made Borat so brilliant was that all of the socially unacceptable things he said and/or did could be interpreted as cultural misunderstandings. The character’s inherent naïveté made him endearing, and his victims’ obvious battle between wanting to teach him and wanting to throttle him lead to hilarity. She pointed out that the character of Bruno lacks this charm. When he pulls a baby out of a box on a luggage carousel, and everyone around him is shocked and appalled, he isn’t making a statement about how Americans react to homosexuality. That’s just a terrible thing to do and any rational person should be shocked and appalled. From that day forth I no longer wanted to put my hard earned money towards Bruno. Maybe I’ll watch it at a friend’s house where we can make homophobic jokes in between bouts of arm-wrestling and crushing beer cans on our foreheads.
3. THE HANGOVER (JUNE 12-14 & JUNE 5-7)
I had no real desire to see this film and, at the same time, I had nothing against it. But, you know when a you hear a song that you’re somewhat indifferent to on the radio over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until you want to rip out your eardrums? That’s kind of how I feel about The Hangover. Plus, many people whose opinions I respect walked away and said “Meh. It’s okay. I laughed at Zach Galifinakis a few times.” This only fueled my lack of interest. Now it’s become a point of pride. Like when everyone was reading the Harry Potter books and they’d ask if I’d read them and I’d say, “Naw. I was going to, but decided to read A Hundred Years of Solitude instead. Because I’m a fucking grown up”. So, to summarize, I haven’t seen this movie because I’m a stuck up asshole who’d rather watch The Graduate because it’s funny and one of the best movies ever made. Ever.
2. MICHAEL JACKSON'S THIS IS IT (OCT 30-NOV 1)
I love Michael Jackson. Well... I love young, cool, not-the-creepiest-dude -in-the-world Michael Jackson (you know, back when he was black). When I was a kid I used to dance around my room singing “Beat it” and butchering The Moonwalk. I owned Off the Wall, Thriller, and Bad on cassette tape and knew every fucking word. I saw Moonwalker, Captain EO and every brilliant music video. When he died I was sad and cranked Smooth Criminal out of my car stereo. I worked for free as a camera operator for friends who were interviewing people in the downtown LA crowd on the day of his funeral. But, what I found much sadder than his untimely death was the disgusting amount of media exploitation, ahem... I mean “coverage”... and the bidding war that went down within days of his death to secure the rehearsal footage so a studio could crap out This is It as soon as possible. The man made so much fucking money for these people during his life and they still wanted to squeeze every possible penny out of his death. I will never, ever, ever pay money to see This is It. Plus, despite my love for his music, I am mature enough to say that Michael Jackson was a fucking whacko who was used and abused his entire life, wanted to be Peter Pan and shared his bed with young boys. If I’m going to see a documentary about Michael Jackson it’s going to be a brilliantly constructed study of his life and character. Not a slapped together marketing scheme that was in post-production before his autopsy was finished.
And last, but certainly not least...
1. AVATAR (DEC 18-20, DEC 25-27 and counting...)
Say whaaaaat? Who saw that coming? I mean, aside from all the people who just scrolled down the page to see the movies titles without reading the long-winded explanation behind each decision. Honestly, I am going to see this movie. And I will see it in the full 3-D experience just like James Cameron wants me to. ALIEN$ is super-rad and my formative years are closely tied to both TERMINATOR and TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY (hence my hatred of TERMINATOR: SALVATION... A PG-13 Terminator ain’t no Terminator ‘round here). AVATAR will get some money out of me, but not until 2010. So what did I do on the big AVATAR opening weekend? Glad you asked! Instead of watching blue cat-people fight an imaginary war in 3D I went and saw THE HURT LOCKER, which is one of the best films I’ve seen all year. That movie was amazing, the performances were consistently on point and the tension in that film is unparalleled. Plus it was made for $11 million, versus AVATAR’s $230 million. So, since I knew AVATAR would be a shoe-in for the #1 spot I went to see a movie that truly deserved my money and time... which is why AVATAR is the #1 Movie I’m most proud has none of my money (so far...)
Now I’m sure a few of you still reading have misgivings about my bashing of films I’ve never seen. Before engaging in a debate about whether films are meant to be the thought-provoking, awe-inspiring pieces of cinematic art that I seek out or are meant simply for entertainment I leave you with a passage from Richard Russo’s Straight Man that I think succinctly puts the argument to rest:
“I'm in complete agreement with all those people who say, regarding movies, 'I just want to be entertained.' This populist position is much derided by my academic colleagues as simpleminded and unsophisticated, evidence of questionable analytical and critical acuity. But I agree with the premise, and I too just want to be entertained. That I am almost never entertained by what entertains other people who just want to be entertained doesn't make us philosophically incompatible. It just means that we shouldn't go to movies together."
I hope this year-end critique made you laugh and possibly even think twice about some of your box office choices in 2010. If not, no worries. I’m always interested in hearing peoples’ opinions on film that differ from mine. Even if I’m secretly thinking that you have terrible taste. We here in Michael’s head know that you have a wide selection of blogs to read and we thank you for reading this one.
Obligatory Honorable Mentions:
HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (FEB 6-8)
I’m just not that into the title of this movie.
PAUL BLART: MALL COP (JAN 16-19 & JAN 23-25)
You know what Mall Security comedy of 2009 I saw? Observe and Report. And while it may not have been a flawless masterpiece it was a helluva lot better than this piece of crap that I’ll never see.
FAST & FURIOUS (APR 3-5)
I hated the first movie when I was 17 and sat in the theatre thinking “This is Point Break. This is fucking Point Break with cars instead of surfing. Except Point Break is awesome (still holds the title for best bank robbery outfits of all time) and these movies suck. I never saw one after the 1st, but their very existence infuriates me. On a side note, the director of Point Break also directed Hurt Locker... I’m not quite sure how the burns every director involved with the Fast & Furious franchise, but it does.
